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August 10th, 2005

01:54 pm - Fuggedaboutit After some thinking, I deleted my two previous entries. I will not apologize for anything I said in regards to my so-called-friend, but it was never my intention to air my anger about him so publicly. To any of you that read the entries, please disregard them, as they really are no one's business. Don't ask me anything regarding him. We're going to bbq tonight, and I will not loathe him. End of story. Current Mood: blank

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August 5th, 2005

03:02 pm - Homosexual or blind? So last night was another interesting Thursday night in Ace Deuce. The first event of the night did NOT, believe it or not, entail drinking. Angela, Rosie, and Jackie (not MY Jackie) came into town so that we could meet up with the Mary Ct. and EMU boys to talk about our house for the year: 1129 White St. The general feeling of this whole meeting was like being ADD/ADHD AND on crack...or as I would imagine. We all went over to the house to see if anyone was there to let us in so we could pick rooms. It took forever and just as we were leaving the stoop this poor, sun-deprived guy opened the door and I explained why we were there and asked if we could check things out. So 8 strangers basically invaded this sublet's house for at least 15-20 min. It's kinda a crazy layout, but should be awesome. We have a breakfast nook AND a dining room, big enough to have some serious beer bong or flip-cup in it. There are two kitchens, one upstairs and one on the main floor. Plus there's this little extra room in the basement in which we might build a bar (we'll probably have a bar regardless of where it is). Although, we don't have a porch and the yard is small, we have a HUGE parking lot in back, and we're thinking of asking the company if we could build a deck (providing we get the permits). The best part is definitely my room, though. I'm going to have one of the two bedrooms upstairs, the largest in the house. I can't really describe the shape of it, it's like two L's but opposing each other...as lame as this is, for those you that know a little organic chem, the two "wings" are trans in relation to the main part of the room. I have two closets, two windows, AND a freakin' FIREPLACE!!! HAHA It's going to be really sweet :-D. After checking out the place we went to Applebee's to work out the rest of the details, and we agreed to part ways only to meet up at Mary Ct. to drink. I went to Meijer to pick up stuff for people, all the while anticipating my two best friends from back home, Gali and Lindsay, coming into town. The best purchases of the night by far were these two huge Block M buckets that Rosie and I picked up to keep drinks on ice. So sweet...We drove back to Mary Ct. and picked up Bronson on the way. We met up with Pants, Heinie, my two friends, and the Mary Ct. boys. We chilled on the porch and then Jeff decided we needed to go to some janky ass house near EQ, so we all got going and Bronson and I lugged the bucket of beers. Quite an amazing sight, which got a lot of response from people. This place on Willard was where I got the biggest shock of college... We were basically minding our own business, chatting and drinking OUR OWN drinks. Naturally, given I was drinking out of bottles, I decided to throw one in the street. No one really noticed outside of the crew I was with, and I wasn't the only one to throw bottles that night. So things progressed and I went inside at one point to go to the bathroom only to come out and run into these guys on the porch. One of them had this flashing Miller Lite bottle cap pin which I loved and he consequently gave it to me (only to attempt to get it back later that night). A little while later Pants, Bronson, Heinie, and I got into this ridiculously long-winded conversation about whether or not I'll be "allowed" to get a breast reduction. Pants was really adamant about it not happening...Bronson informed me that he and Phil said if I do it they're going to throw "the girls" a going away party HAHA. I'm going to keep them to that. Anyway, we agreed to leave after we finished our drinks so I finished mine and surreptitiously threw this bottle into the street as well. Some douche came up to me and was like "Why did you throw a bottle into the street where cars drive? Look, I don't know who you know here, but you're going to have to leave." At first we were all shocked and I think Bronson said something along the lines of "Are you serious? You're going to throw HER out?" I started to get indignant and angry, so the guys helped me pull it in and right as we turned to leave this other chotch playing beer bong was like "Yea, go get your boob reduction..." Real good come-back JACKASS! :rolls eyes: The night was pretty typical after that...went to 611, played beer pong, went to bed. OH, and Pants gave me a pseudo-bone nickname: "Tatas" or "Tas." Fabulous. I think I'm still kinda dumbstruck. I mean I didn't take it personally, but it was a serious sausage fest at this party, and they kicked one of the few girls out, someone who wasn't even drinking their crap keg beer! Bronson summed it up in his away messasge: "I saw Carrie get kicked out of a party tonight...obviously, the guy was either homosexual or blind." Current Mood: confused Current Music: "It's Not a Fashion Statement, It's a Death Wish" by MCR

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July 31st, 2005

05:29 pm - four funerals and a wedding So last night I went to the first wedding of one of my friends from back home. Now I wasn't always the closest with him, but to give you an idea of our relationship, he was celebrating my 19th birthday the first time he got drunk...and he'd had drinks many times before. I haven't been to a wedding since before puberty, so all-in-all this was an interesting experience for me. I was elated to see Brent so happy. His wife was beautiful (only 19) and so was his 4 month-old baby boy, Gabriel. I don't honestly think I've seen a better suited family in my life. Simply gorgeous. Contrary to popular belief, being single at a wedding in no way made me feel like shackling up (I do mean shackling and not shacking). However, it did make me realize for the first time in, well, maybe forever that love isn't something to be feared. Two of my girlfriends there were so in love with partners, and they weren't necessarily the most attractive guys I've seen them date either, but they were so happy to be with them. Makes me wonder if I'm being narrow-minded... I mean what's wrong with having someone I can hang with, laugh with, who at the end of the night will take me to bed and keep me a happy woman? Of course, in return, I'd keep him happy, too: cook breakfast, give him massages, share my skills, etc. Holy crap, I guess I'm growing up...still don't think I can stand to be too serious, though. Being light-hearted and happy is just so much more satisfying. Current Mood: randy

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July 20th, 2005

02:08 pm - Perfect Grave... Well, I'm ridiculously bored at work, and will be for the next 1.5 weeks or so because I have no bosses and all my lab work has just backed up so badly, I'm waiting on it seems like everything. There will probably be frequent and perhaps stupid or inane updates, so enjoy, bare with me, or ignore me. For now I have, I suppose you could say, some serious thoughts to share. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the struggles that I've come through thus far in my life, especially my struggle with depression and ADD, basically manic depression. It's never been something I've been able to describe well to others, but I heard the song on the radio this morning by Social Code called "Perfect Grave," and I realized why I've been attached to it since I first heard it. Without intending, "Perfect Grave" tells the story of the internal struggle that someone with bipolar disorder can feel when they're so pulled apart. It's bad enough other people judge you because they don't understand your mood changes or seemingly irrational behavior, but when you're so divided inside, you hate and judge yourself, too. I decided to put the lyrics below in hopes that people might get to see just how hard it is to struggle within yourself: In your room You sleep all day so nothing gets to you You've dug a hole But I will not crawl into it with you If it's the last thing I do [Chorus] I will not follow you into a perfect grave I will not stand here while you throw it all away I'll keep hoping that you won't fall in all the way You take your pills You choke them down But every swallow kills...me I've had enough Of digging in the dirt trying to save you That's the last thing I'll do [Chorus] I'll never know what you're feeling inside Now that you're buried alive I could keep digging and wreck my life too But thats the last thing I'll do [Chorus 2x] For me, I can not explain the torment much better. It can be a constant struggle with your good side trying to pull your bad side up out of the dark, but wanting to give up from exhaustion. Fortunately, I have a lot of love around me, people who would do anything to help keep me going. Sometimes that and the love of God is the only thing that pulls you out of that grave. Don't get me wrong, though, I'm VERY happy now, but the demons never completely go away, and there will be a time again where I will be clawing to get out from 6 feet under. No one ever said learning to love yourself would easy...but I think it's harder learning what's ok to share with others and learning not to hide or run from the dark things, but to find ways to put light on them. Love it or hate it...it's who I am. Current Mood: content Current Music: "Perfect Grave" by Social Code

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July 17th, 2005

09:33 pm - Why I'm awesome... Holy crap they just played A-HA' s "Take on Me" on Family Guy So after an amazing day, weekend, hell I'll say a phenomenal few weeks, I've decided to list why I am sweet...now I know this sounds arrogant, but this is a new thing for me. I'm gonna love my self-esteem and rock it. Here goes: 1) I have an amazing new haircut, probably the best of my life thus far (it's gonna be even hotter when it gets a little longer) 2) I'm a badass cymbal in one of the best marching bands in the world --- MMB what! 3) I have a hot new license plate denoting the sweetness of point 2 4) I have a brain and I'm not afraid to USE it 5) I don't have to be rail thin to feel good and look hot 6) I have amazingly awesome parents (if you don't think they make ME awesome, then you clearly haven't met them and don't know all the wisdom they have) 7) I have an ass and I KNOW how to shake it 8) I know how to rock it hard at parties, bars, and clubs and put stupid bitches to shame 9) I LOVE beer 10) I'm really flexible, a skill I have fun proving and improving 11) I'm strong, love to work out, and keep my body heatlthy and fit 12) I can wear sexy, lace-up strappy high heels and not look like I have fat ankles or calves (take THAT Britney Spears! 13) I shop like a fiend and I am a world class eBayer 14) My boobs look ridiculously hot in my new Kenneth Cole bathing suit top 15) I love to cook for others 16) I am a giver and very compassionate 17) I am a sex GODDESS 18) I have juggled more than one man without the other(s) knowing (I'm not a whore or bitch, though) 19) I can pick up a guy without saying much if anything, with a smile really 20) I am sarcastic and funny 21) I can look good in contacts or geek glasses 22) I rock hats, especially cowboy hats and my drinking hat 23) I can drink like a fish 24) I am a simple date because I'm happy doing pretty much anything as long as I like who I'm with 25) My awesomeness has gotten me AWESOME friends: trombones, drummers, wild chicas, engineers, etc. 26) I speak pretty decent German with a little beer in me 27) I am naturally very hair free 28) I am a Tetris phenom 29) I give incredible back massages 30) I was born to wear halter tops and strapless dresses 31) I love both watching and playing hockey, football, and sports in general 32) I am a great therapist 33) I have amazingly smooth and soft skin 34) I don't need a man to feel amazing 35) I love God Yeahh...you don't have to agree with my points of awesomeness, but if you know me better I think you'll see the truth HAHA Oh and another interesting point, I strongly agree with what Miss Tyra Banks said she says to men she dates: "I tell him to flirt soooooo much with the girl and then come home and DO ME!" HELL YES!!! :-D Current Mood: awesome Current Music: Family Guy

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July 4th, 2005

12:28 am - My Declaration of Fuckin' Independence Well, I've been writing a very private journal for about a month now, completely realizing why I came to despise livejournaling back in fall...some, perhaps most, of my thoughts are just too damned private for the public to know, and posting privately online just seems dumb to me. But for shits 'n' giggles I think I'll share some of my thoughts again, so the chiq is back. Because this is my first entry back, this is gonna be a relatively deep and lengthy one. I will not bore you all with the details of the year, but instead will sum it up in a few words: painful, sad, enlightening, ridiculous. Just downright re-cock-ulous a lot of the time. I look at my previous postings, and I wonder "wtf...how did things get so beyond me?" I'm 21, and I don't know how to act my age. I'm either absurdly old or young in my behavior, and somewhere along the way I forgot how to have fun. My past has jaded me, and this year has been an adventure in learning to trust and have faith again. All too fittingly, now, on July 4th, I can say this...I am ready to face my future, forgetting the past, as long as I maintain my independence. Ever since I was a little girl, I had to be the strong, rock-steady, reliable, independent one. My brother was a wreck and I had to be the "normal" child. When my mom had cancer, when innumerable family members got sick and passed, when my brother was arrested and hospitalized for the umpteen-millonth time, when my dad was diagnosed as having a terminal illness, when I was having heart problems and anxiety issues, even when I had a fucking gun pointed at me or a knife held to my throat by my brother, I had to be the one on standby, ready to help in any way, all the while maintaining a stiff upper lip! Well, needless to say, no one can do that, but damned if I could let people in to help by that point...and I was angry; it still hurts now, but the anger has mostly faded, leaving me just with the scars and demons of what was otherwise a pleasant childhood. I love my family more than ever now, but I've nearly destroyed myself when trying to erase/forget the past. Just recently it became glaringly apparent to me why, until this past fall, I had not actually even attempted a relationship since 3 years before that, and in all fairness, my longest, most serious relationship still remains the 6 agonizing months I spent with my boyfriend whom I met at the end of the year freshman year in high school!!! There was cheating and yelling and genuine emotion...emotion I've never really allowed myself since, except in regards to loved ones passing. The real emotion is always there, but I run from it out of fear. I push people away. I'm afraid to love someone (a man) because I'm afraid of 1) losing him like I've lost so many people in my life and 2) losing my independence. On the outside I am strong, and I suppose in many ways intimidating, but if more people knew the real me, the compassionate, loving, kind, funny, and timid girl, they'd be shocked. I guess I've been hiding for years, and I can't/won't just give that up, but I am willing to concede with some, as long as I don't ever have to be controlled by a man. Ironically, my healthiest "relationship" with a guy probably isn't even all that healthy, seeing as we've crossed many lines and he doesn't even live in the same state. Thank the Lord that it's not romantic, even though I do love and cherish him as a fellow Christian and dear friend. I have nothing to fear from him, though, and so I can be open and honest with him, a phenomenon I hate. It just happens. But I fear the control that giving my love to someone gives him. The only time I allow a man to even remotely control me is when I'm intoxicated, and this is one reason why I don't "date"...it's dumb I know, but still. It's something I'm in the process of changing, but make no mistake, even if I allow genuine emotion, I will NOT surrender my independence. I'm willing to give my heart, but not my independence...anyway, Happy Independence Day! Drink a beer (or many) on me :) Current Mood: determined Current Music: AFI - Girl's Not Grey

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October 28th, 2004

11:38 pm - meh Well, after one helluva busy week...I'm done...for now. However, I think I prefer being busy because then I don't have time to think about the things that haunt me and make me cry. I suppose that's kind of escapism, but one can only go through so much disappointment before defensiveness becomes a way of life. One amazing thing happened yesterday, though. I got a bid from the band service fraternity Kappa Kappa Psi. This really means a lot to me, and I'm incredibly excited to get involved with the other MECs and the brothers. Hopefully things are looking up on the social front. I really need to blow off some steam this weekend and have fun. I have a cute costume planned for Halloween and I can't wait for MSU on Saturday. Thank goodness for daylight savings time, because it'll give me an extra hour to try to drink some of this tension away (unhealthy, I know, but whatever). It's times like these I wish I had a shoulder to lean on or someone to just hold me and make me forget reality for a short time. I really miss that safe feeling. Current Mood: uncertain Current Music: "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Green Day

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October 23rd, 2004

04:49 pm - trying to find the answers I haven't written in over a month, not so much because I haven't had the time, but because my life has been such a rollercoaster (mainly with downs) that I haven't had the heart to share it, let alone relive it. That inevitable downward spiral I get into deep depression each semester is in full force, and I just want to run away from it all. I especially hate the way school makes me feel so frustrated and drained. This past weekend was fall break, and I did nothing but sleep, cry, be angry, and eat. It's hard to wake up every day and look in the mirror when I hate the person I see looking back at me, and even harder to believe people would want to spend time with that person. This all just leads to paranoia, hurt, extreme defensiveness, more anger, and even more crying. There probably hasn't been a day in the past week where I haven't cried. I have to stay up until I'm completely exhausted because that's the only way I'll sleep. But the worst part about it all, is that in my awful state I am horrible to those I care about and those who want to help. In the past month, thanks to a guy who is becoming increasingly special to me, I have found real emotion again. My head says it's awful, but my better sides are trying to deal with the harsh wake up and believe it's a good thing. I have been trying to escape the pains of my past by not living, by not really experiencing emotion, and it's glaringly apparent that I have two options right now: be miserable by ignoring emotion or be miserable until I can come to terms with it all and move forward. Unfortunately, this friend also opened a reoccuring wound, and while he helps me, he hurts me, too, and I don't know if I'm making more forward progress than backward with his influence. I just don't know what to feel, but the negativity is digging me deeper into something that I won't be able to fix. The strangest part is that throughout each day I have random laughter, but when I come home it's back to being sad and feeling hopeless. I want to stop hurting so much all the time. For once in a long time I would actually like to believe in myself and love myself, but I can't even do that anymore. It's no wonder no one else to can do that either. I think I need to be held more..... Current Mood: crying (again) Current Music: sounds of Michigan Football

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September 12th, 2004

03:27 pm - LONG overdue update (and literally long (sorry)) Well folks it's been a while, but I think that's because the month of August was such a rollercoaster ride I didn't really want to write about it at the time, to see the ugliness on paper so to speak. This whole summer I had issues with myself, loneliness, self-esteem, self-judgment and whatnot, but August was the worst. I had a lot of pressure bearing down on me: working, moving, getting ready for band, and then about mid-August my Aunt Pat got ill and passed away. The funeral came the week I had to get ready to move out and my older brother decided to escape the emotions through drinking and delusion, so I had to become the "big" sibling once again. This dredged up a lot of hard emotions for me from the past. I always had to be the strong one, the one who could be flexible, the one who could handle herself if something with my brother or a family member came up. In some ways I think I grew up too fast, and now when people, especially my parents, try to help me, I have a lot of difficultly surrending the control over to them. I know I need people to lean on, and I've worked really hard on trying to ask for help, lifting my problems up to God and to others, sometimes overcompensating, but I still have to have that rigid control in many respects. When Band Week hit, I was fried. I didn't have time for any emotional or physical recovery before I was thrown into drumline, and it was really tough the first few days. By that Monday of the second week, I thought I was going to break down. Nothing was going right; I was frustrated with my body's apparent weaknesses, mental, physical, etc., I was frustrated that I felt I could never give enough, never work hard enough, never please those I wanted to show just how much I love this band, this school. Then that Monday things kind of just fell in my lap. I earned the first and second pregames, I was told by both Fil and Chuck that I was doing a good job and really deserved it, and Matthew Strok in the most random way in transit to the Big House for Night of the Wolverine waylaid one of my biggest fears: not knowing if my dedication and desire were coming across as much as I was feeling them. He told me he had overheard the staff talking about the cymbal section in the conference room. "They were talking about how the cymbal line is going to be such a solid section, and about how much good leadership and dedication in the line there is, especially with Fil, Rich, and you." Matthew had no idea, but that's exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. I want so badly to be able to help this program, to set a higher standard, to show others how much you can be a part of one another, the teamwork, the disappointment, and most importantly, the getting back up TOGETHER when you or the team falls...It seems I'm on the road to doing just that. Finally, after 11 days of hard work, the night before the first game, I came back to the hall had some ice cream, on top of everything else I had eaten that night, and starting talking to people. Then Gabi mentioned she had seen Cavi around and well at that moment I couldn't have wanted to run away much faster...so I did just that, grabbing my cymbals and polish and heading to the boys' bathroom. I don't know why, but at that moment all the food, nervousness, and soon after polish fumes, hit me hard in my stomach at the mention of his name. I think it's because of all he stands for as ex-drum major and an influence in my life; I guess I just didn't want to have to put on a game face and pretend everything was ok at that point. As for the first game...well...it was nothing short of phenomenal. Being a tunnel virgin, nothing really could have prepared me for that first time rushing out of that tunnel and pouring over the sidelines with 234 of my fellow bandos, some my best friends, no matter how many times we had practiced it or people had talked about it. The drumline killed the horns on the diag count, our sweep lines were solid, the flanks explosive, and I've never jacked my chin up higher, or felt prouder when I exited that field. I was in a state of euphoria, grinning so hard my face hurt when I saw Gabi and she asked "Carrie, are you going to cry?" and I replied, almost shaking with the power of it, "I don't know...it was just so amazing, and I don't even know how to react to all the emotions I have in my heart right now." We went on to perform an amazing half-time show, and the football team moved on to beat their opponents, Miami (Ohio), but that wasn't the end to the great day. There was still 611 to which to look forward. I showed up at 611 drunk off a pitcher and a half of raspberry daquiri and things just got more interesting from there. After having some beer, and feeling sick mind you, I decided to play the safe card and drank water to avoid booting. The only alcohol I had after that was a shot or so out of Cavi's Cap'n's, which means I then moved on to sober sitter to the increasingly drunk crowd, not an all in all bad thing when you like taking care of people and helping out. Normally I like to dance and have fun, but it was too hot and humid in the house so I stayed outside and kind of watched people talk and stumble. It was funny because even if I was engaging in conversation I still felt really removed...looking back I think it might have been because I had my emotional guard up, WAY UP. I wasn't tired, but as the hours went by and suddenly it was after 5am, I was surprised that I was still awake. A handful of us were still around Chewy, Redstone, Cavi, and myself and we were all just chilling on the porch as this fog rolled in. Then Cavi went to the back alley only didn't come back after about 15 or 20 minutes. So the rest of us tried calling him to find out to where he had disappeared. When he finally called Redstone back and answered our "where are you?" he replied "bombs over Baghdad." Typical. Knowing of only one other party still alive, we walked over to Mary Ct. where we heard "Bombs Over Baghdad" playing. After a few minutes I was religated Cavi's sober sitter and Chewy and Redstone bid us goodnight, at which point I didn't know whether to let my guard down or build it higher. I think I decided to just exist at that point. We walked back to my place and ended up talking/chilling to even later, somewhere around 8:30am. It's always nice to talk to Cavi because it's just so easy to be myself and talk about all the things I hide from other people. It was nice to be able to drop pretense and let things be just like old times in the truest sense of the words, but in the end it's back to Minnesota for him and back to defensiveness for me. Finally, as for yesterday I don't really want to talk about the game. We lost to Notre Dame in their damn lucky South Bend, but it's just the beginning. We have a long way still to go and the trip was enjoyable nonetheless. I will always love and bleed Blue. Current Mood: lazy Current Music: " Wake Up" by Three Days Grace

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July 21st, 2004

01:21 am - The clock's ticking Well a lot has been going on lately so I suppose I should update. I've been working at lot at my tour guide job for the College of Engineering here at U of M, I've kind of been working at Pizza House (I hate it there), and I've been super busy with band and working out. We had a three day drum camp this weekend that was absolutely amazing. I was tired and sore after it, but it was one of the greatest feelings ever. I just can't wait for the season to start. The pre-kick-off party for the drumline Saturday night was a lot of fun; it was nice and laid back and relaxing, but I somehow managed to drink the equivalent of a half a fifth of alcohol (beer and Cap'ns) when I didn't really intend to drink much at all. Needless to say I felt that urge I always get to drunk dial people; unfortunately no one answered their phone :(. It was a strange night to say the least...I miss my buddies. I saw King Arthur tonight with Fil, and I must say I was not impressed. I wasn't pissed/amused like with Van Helsing; I was just "meh" about it. It didn't motivate me, it didn't capitivate me. I'm not sure if it was the movie, or my mood lately that caused it. I honestly think it was the movie, and maybe a little my attitude. I'm so excited for band, but as I sit here I'm just so blase about most of my emotions. I don't even know where they stand to be honest. I don't know how I feel about school or my jobs (with the exception of the elation of leaving PH) or myself or even about guys. I look at myself so differently lately. I look in the mirror, and I see this girl staring back at me from the body of a woman, and she's shy and curious and a little scared. She wonders "what's next?" and where the day will take her, and I don't know if I have answers for her. I feel like I'm standing in place and the world is whirling around me; it's dizzying to say the least. And I wonder if I'm stuck in the past or if I'm moving forward without even realizing. Everything is different even from as of last week, including myself. Perhaps that little girl inside is finally getting her answers or learning not to ask so many questions. Or maybe the adult I'm becoming is learning to live more like the child. Current Mood: mellow

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July 13th, 2004

07:39 am - surreal Gosh, it snuck up on me....I had no time to prepare, but I've had my "say" and now he's tying up loose ends with other friends. I almost feel cheated because we hung out so out of the blue, but any time is better than no time. I am so much stronger than I once was, too...I could have kissed him tonight; I could have kissed him and made things complicated all over again...it would have been so simple to do, but how could I after he said I must treat every guy like him (cuddly, comfortable, etc). He couldn't be more wrong. Guys and intimacy terrify me. I don't date because I don't trust people, especially around my body and my heart, but for everything I have worked through with him, I have never truly feared getting hurt. Sure, I've worried superficially, but my heart of hearts just didn't. I've asked the tough questions, ones to which sometimes I really didn't want to know the answers. I've shared my mind, my spirituality, my faults, and even my body with him. He really could have hurt me, but all along he feels like HE let me down and not vice versa. I'd be lying if I said a piece of myself weren't going to Minnesota with him, or anywhere he goes thereafter. I wish he had the heart to face this all, because I realized for the first time tonight he doesn't. He's not even truly excited for his new job, his new life. He's like a child again, once bitten, twice shy. I wish I had the answers he seeks; I wish I had the power to ease his soul; I wish I could show him love as he so definitely needs to see it, but those are not my gifts to have. Only God has those gifts. A small part of me wishes I could tell him all in that kiss that I didn't give him tonight. Maybe one day he'll listen and maybe one day I'll have wisdom to share. The only thing I feel for sure is that we will always understand one another as I doubt few others can and I will always have an amazing friend in him. Here's to the day where we can say hello again more often than goodbye. :) Current Mood: thoughtful

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July 8th, 2004

02:56 pm - rocks in my stomach On a sidenote from the main theme of this posting I realize I misquoted and left out some of the A-ha song: it's "today is not my day to find you" and I left out "You're shying away...I'm coming for you anyway" from the last verse...it may not make a difference to you, but it does to me. Now the real topic... I'm not even sure what I really want to write here because my feelings and thoughts are swirling around in my head so much that I can barely make sense of them. I feel like the biggest loser because I've been hurting and confused about something that was only inevitable, but I didn't and don't want to face. After rambling like a looney last night I'm just numb...my brain doesn't know what to think or what to say and crying this morning didn't help. This shouldn't make such a difference, but I feel like I'm being avoided. Surely he realizes saying goodbye isn't going to be easy for me either. How can I be so happy and so sad at the same time? One of my friend's biggest dreams is coming true and I can't stop smiling through the tears. I guess this is what it means to let a part of yourself go with someone else. I just don't know anymore what parts of me belong to others and which parts belong to me... "Don't walk away The dark scares me so... Let's stay friends forever" ~A-ha Current Mood: anxious

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June 23rd, 2004

05:06 pm - The challenges of life... Take On Me - A-ha We're talking away I don't know what I'm to say I'll say it anyway Today's another day to find you Shying away I'll be coming for your love, OK? Chorus: Take on me, take me on I'll be gone In a day or two So needless to say I'm odds and ends But that's me stumbling away Slowly learning that life is OK. Say after me It's no better to be safe than sorry Chorus Oh the things that you say Is it life or Just a play my worries away You're all the things I've got to remember Chorus This could quite possibly be the theme song of my summer if not my life :) Current Mood: determined Current Music: Take On Me - A-ha

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June 15th, 2004

03:44 am - retardation I feel like drowning everything in working out right now; if I can't be free of things or start something new and fun in my life I might as well get hot in the process. I'm sick of never having people to hang out with; even my fucking roommates never ask me if I want a drink when they make a pitcher of margaritas or ask if I'd like to go running with them. I mean "what the fuck?!" I'm right there, you could at least pretend you care! Currently my personal (romantic and non-romantic) life can be summed up in this one statement I made to a friend tonight: "You know if this is what being "amazing" gets me then being amazing sucks....I know one boy who likes to be a perv and I enjoy that but he has issues with the roomie, I have you who has issues with finding me attractive and trying to spare the best friend, and then I have the King of All Retards telling me how "I know" him and how that "scares him" who won't be a close friend b/c he ACTUALLY LIKES BEING AROUND ME!!!....you've all fucking lost your marbles" And in each part of the statement there is the one common thread: the King of All Retards...I don't even dare to comment on him in my current state... I'm just really frustrated lately. It's summer and as per usual my life if stagnant despite having a job, taking classes, doing drumline stuff, and talking to new people. If those things can't keep me statisfied (along with my love of God), then what is missing? I talk to my parents, my friends...I certainly have plenty of love (even if it's not coming from my friends :-P)...I doubt I'm missing love, but sometimes I just don't feel like I'm good enough for even something as simple as a casual dating relationship. Is something wrong with me? The verdict seems to be that I'm threatening because I'm "attractive and intelligent." Aren't those supposed to be good things?! I just don't know anymore...I don't even feel like I want to date but right now it would nice to feel wanted on this earth in some way at all...but it's definitely one of those situations where I could disappear and my work would probably be the first to realize that I'm not around..... This is just getting more depressing the more I write...time to go to bed and forget I had these thoughts. Current Mood: frustrated Current Music: fans everywhere

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May 28th, 2004

07:54 am - reassurance Alright I'm keepin' this one short for the time being, but last night I had a big tap on the shoulder from God telling me my one plan that I hated was wrong to bring with...I can't describe just how much a relief this is. It's nice to know that the thing that's haunted me was supposed to to make me see and not give up when I wanted. Things sure aren't going to be easy, but I really feel like I have some answers and that the road to getting my friend back isn't as dark as I thought it was. Thanks God...I know I don't say it as often as I'd like, but you're amazing...even when I don't understand why I hurt for you. Current Mood: relieved Current Music: "Deliverance" Bubba Sparxxx (kind of ironic)

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May 24th, 2004

01:47 pm - Carrie's Creek I'm beginning to think I shouldn't watch reruns of Dawson's Creek on TBS anymore. At least not while I'm still running from my past; it only seems to remind me of similarities in my own life that before last year never existed. Unfortunately, I love the show, and I don't want to give it up...I just hope that doesn't hold true for my life. I want to give it up so badly because I can't remember a night for months where I haven't had an annoyingly painful dream reminding me of things I'd much prefer to forget...of feelings and thoughts I will never begin to understand or be able to express. How can one thing be so hard to let go when I just don't want to have it anymore? It didn't help that I didn't even have the brainpower to talk with him on the phone today to explain something as simple as Cedar Point plans. More often than not lately, for the first time since I've known him I've found myself at a complete loss for words. I can't even hold a simple conversation. I can't come up with everyday words to convey information! I can barely find the words to say hi to someone who was once one of my closest friends, a person I owe so much to and whom I respect so highly. It's like my heart just doesn't have it in it anymore to play nice or play games...it'd rather just not play at all. This folks, is the reason to always define the line of friendship. I just can't think...I think I need to stay away, more than I ever imagined. I need to cut myself off from the past and never look back to make way for my future...I've suspected it all along, but it is one of the single most unpleasant ideas I have ever contemplated. How to you just say goodbye yourself and forget everything? Current Mood: drained Current Music: cars passing

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May 18th, 2004

03:00 am - late night thinkin' So I started my "I really mean it this time" running/exercise program at 7 this morning with Fil (subsequently after ending the night with him at 3am :-/). Anyway, it felt absolutlely amazing. Then I went to class and worked a dinner/late double...very long day...and yet here I sit at 3am contemplating getting up in 4 or 5 hours to run or do aerobics. I think I'm sick in the head, but at least this is one illness that's going to do me some good! I'm not quite sure how I feel about this new motivation. Maybe I should sleep on it. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: sound of my fan

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May 16th, 2004

03:40 pm - doin' it again Well folks, I started a deadjournal last year, but it just was kind of a burden. I don't want to be depressing or anything related to being "dead," so I decided to stop writing in it, or anything, for about a year, but here I am again in the summer, bored, and looking for a little release...thus my new journal. For my first entry I decided to take my two favorite entries from my deadjournal and repost them here to kind of tie my present/future in with my past...ah, the memories **TUESDAY, JULY 1st, 2003 4:42 pm - friends and such** Why Friends Are Great: ME: so why weren't u in class? CAVI: I was still in canada, I couldn't find my license and since peeps were gonna stay and come back today anyway I stayed too until i found it. ME: uh huh CAVI: good excuse huh? ME: yep i think i'll be taking my first lesson from u CAVI: what lesson? ME: why my first ass-clown lesson at ass-clown university ;-) CAVI: we don't go to state LMAO...that was excellent. So I got to talk to my best friend Gali yesterday, and I feel awful for her. Her knee really hurts her to the point of where it makes her scream, and her boyfriend broke up with her because he's under a lot of stress :-/. I'm at a loss. I don't know what to say to that, but I'm here for her, and she knows that. Anyway, I can't believe this, but I miss Jordan. I freakin' talked to him the other day, but we used to talk more...it's weird. I don't like the feelings he evokes in me; they're dangerous. I mean who likes being jealous or frustrated or happy? (just kidding about the last one...well...somewhat). Hopefully I can see him this weekend when I go home for the fourth so I'm not a total basketcase. We'll see how that goes. Regardless, I've decided I need to see my friends very badly . I'm lonely since my good roomie Laura a.k.a. Lolo moved out after I left on vacation. Life's just not the same without her insanity and our fun times. I still watch Family Guy and The Nanny in our tradition. Lastly, I've decided I need to talk to Cavi about why he makes me so mad sometimes. I just figured it out recently, and it's been on the tip of my tongue, but timing just hasn't been right. We're overdue for one of our good convos, but hopefully we'll have one soon...if I request one. Lookin' forward to the Dave Matthews concert tomorrow...WOO-HOO! current mood: restless current music: anything Dave Matthews (in honor of the concert tomorrow) **WEDNESDAY, JULY 23nd, 2003 12:18 am - thirst** I have come to the conclusion that sex is not like love. They say "'tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." But this just isn't the same with sex. It's better never to have it, than to have it and then need it or really want it again. You get a unquenchable thirst for it... That said, I guess I'll talk about my weekend. It all started Friday at Revelli Hall when I was practicing cymbals. I found out that one of the newbie cymbals needed a place to stay for the night, so I offered to put him up even though Agie was already scheduled to stay over. Well in our boredom we decided to drink, but no one in the house was around to buy. So on an off chance I IMed this incredibly hot guy, Knorr, who has bought for me in the past, to see if he would do a run. By some miracle he was around, and we went over to his place. We got the grand tour of the apartment, including an introduction to his alligator and his alcohol, and then set out for Meijer. After our excursion we all went back to my place, where craziness ensued. Agie spilled vodka on the table and we all took turns licking/sucking it up (there are pictures to document it), and then Knorr decided that we should all play a drinking game (housies included)...Needless to say it was fun and a little....suggestive...at times. The night ended with Agie sleeping in my bed, Dan sleeping on the couch, and Knorr and myself staying up and talking. The bottomline: I got 10 minutes of sleep. Saturday: At 9am Dan and I had a 4 hour cymbal sectional, where my body just decided not to cooperate. About half way into the rehearsal I turned to the quasi-section leader and said very cheerily, "Rich, I'll be right back; I'm going to be sick," and then I ran off. Thankfully, my stomach settled down and everything returned to normal. That night Agie woke me up several times because she needed a place to stay...no biggie. Sunday: I had to work on a stupid german project with Cavi, and write an essay. After that my good buddy Vicki came over and we had some quality chica eating and drinking time. All in all it was a very good weekend...but now i'm THIRSTY! current mood: predatory current music: "Don't Drink the Water" by Dave Matthews Band Current Mood: nostalgic Current Music: silence

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